"I've always felt that ADHD was a silly diagnosis with no basis in medical fact, myself..."

I hate to single you out, Merry, but you now sound like my mother.

It has her belief that ADD/ADHD wasn't an actual "thing". That it was just kids whose parents didn't care enough to make sure they were controlled or disciplined properly. She pretty much thought that the fix for it was a good smack in the face.

And that's how she dealt with me as a kid. In first through fourth grade, I was the only kid on a behavioral system. I had paperclips--if I was bad/had an outburst/spoke...etc, I would lose a paperclip from a ring of like 5. 

At the end of the day, I had to count my total--and that number went to my Mom.

You can guess that if anything happened during the school day, and that number was less than, say, 5, I would get in trouble--whatever that ended up being. I was under 5 fairly often.

It isn't a great thing to grow up constantly being yelled at/hit/punished...whatever...for something you really can't control.

Fourth grade, I switched into a private school where I was the "loser"--to a group of kids who had known each other since BIRTH, basically--and had no room for someone like me (someone who read Dilbert, Foxtrot, Lord of the Rings, who did well in Math...etc). So I couldn't really socialize in class--so I was saved from getting into trouble with that--but I used to blatantly read other books in classes. That is to say, during Social Studies or English, I'd have an extra book on my desk and I'd be reading that instead.

I'd do well on the assignments and tests because I didn't have a life outside of video games and part-time sports (I lived a town a good 15-30 minutes from my school and therefore the kids in it. I also lived in a kidless neighborhood (always have, in fact--even when we moved--no kids around me). My social life has sucked for a good majority of my life), but I didn't pay attention to the teachers and I surprisingly rarely (if at all) got in trouble for any of this.

In High School---a social environment, I suffered. Constant detentions for talking in class...etc. It got pretty bad. Freshman year was really terrible for me.

Sophomore year was when I joined Track--and that's where things got better for me.

I found an outlet for all my energy--a couple miles at first--around eight-ten come Junior/Senior year. Spending two hours a day after running really wasted all my extra energy and gave me an incredible focus. I did exceptionally well grade-wise following this.

Then I get to college. A college built into the side of what's essentially a mountain--nothing but hills--incredibly hard to run on.

I pick a Chemistry Major. I'm also Pre-Med. I have no time. There is only schoolwork.

This leads to problems.

I can't run. I can't waste my energy. I've got so much of it...

It finally got to the point where people were noticing how bad I was at trying to concentrate on things. I should've noticed it sooner--but it really did take someone saying, "Dude--are you okay? You're tweaking out. Do you have ADD or something?" for me to be concerned about it.

After that, a friend of mine /blackmailed/ me (with her class notes) to talk to someone on campus. From there I was referred off-campus. And here I am.

My last semester was the toughest--but I managed to do better than I had previously (it wasn't my BEST semester, but it was my second-best. That's GOOD, considering the course-load I was taking and the stress that came with it)...so it means that what I'm doing now is definitely helping.

So to say that "there's no medical basis"...I'd disagree with this. There's something to it. There definitely is.

As someone who wants to be a doctor, I doubt the "no medical basis" thing.  As someone who has encountered kids and adults, treated and not treated, with with the same quirks and behaviors I have--there is basis enough for me. I've seen it in my family (my Uncle--even my Mom), destructive and untreated.

I've got a long road ahead of me and this was the first step in helping me make sure I stay on it.

Getting the doses and medications right--well--that's the forest I've got to get out of first. That's where I'm at now. Somewhere in Mirkwood, trying to get towards the Loney Mountain.

Anxious and dry-throat.

These are not side-effects I expected from an ADHD medication.

So let me restate this: Concerta either works or it makes you anxious and not hungry (with an apple-in-throat kind of feeling to boot). Great choices.

>.<

Beginning of the End

Classes have started for the second semester of my senior year.

1 Chemistry class to complete my Chemistry major.
2 fun/joke classes.
1 ambiguously ranked class.
And research.

That will be my life for the next 4 months. ...then it's over. Then I have to apply to medical school. That's a whole DIFFERENT road. And I've got to touch the real world for the entire of my journey down it. Scary. No more "Student-in-school" bubble to protect me from it. It's a "Student-wannabe" bubble...but that's hardly any bubble at all. Gah.

Still on Concerta, but my Doctor has basically told me to man-up and make myself sleepless by doubling up at different points during the day. That's sure to work out alright. #right? #probablynot.

But it helps half the time, and half the time is better than none of the time, I guess. All of the time would be better, but I'm working towards that still. Never expected it to be easy, I suppose.

So some comment questions: Leave answers and I'll reply on yours or whatever.
1) Are you a student?
     a)What are you/are you intending to study?
     b)Where do you want it to lead you?
2) What do you think of "the real world"--or the idea of it?

Huhn

Boy did I fall off the wagon on this one.

Sorry folks, if there's anyone out there--and if there is, hey! Thanks for reading. Leave some comments to let me know you're still here and I'll be loyal back.

Sorry I disappeared for a while. This last semester ended up being the busiest of my college career and that can, obviously, only lead to me not doing this. Which--is better because I'm spending more of my time doing what I'm supposed to. ...which is what this blog is all about, in the end. Wow. Weird logic, but in not updating, I'm fulfilling the purpose of me doing this blog. #mindwarpingrealities

Now that I've got...no classes...and am bored as all hell...here I am.

Off meds right now, which doesn't bother me as I don't really need them yet. I'm going to be speaking to my doc on Wednesday to see if I can get some changes, though--I don't find that the XR (extended release) pills work that well with my schedule...I'd rather be able to control when I take my medication and when it works...because throwing 8-10 hours at it (9-5, it feels like it's effective--less than the 12 hours it's supposed to) and covering my classes but NOT when I do the bulk of my work? It's very counter productive, honestly.

And half the time it doesn't even feel like it's working. I only know I've taken the medication because I don't feel hungry. And the not being hungry part doesn't bother me. I eat enough...it's just that if I'm going to be feeling stuff like this--I'd like to at least see some results out of it, you know?

It's 3:33AM and I feel it's a good time to wrap this up (3:34. Damn my need for proper diction), so I'll sign off for the night. Hoping I don't get trounced with snow tomorrow---but we'll see how THAT one goes.

See You Space Cowboy ...

HOLY CRAP AN UPDATE

I HAD AN INCEPTION SCALE DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT NIGHT

It was fucking crazy.

I was dreaming…and during the dream, I recognized I was dreaming. And so I did the classic tests—I hit myself--nothing.

I tried screaming--nothing. And this started freaking me out, so I tried to pull myself out of the dream—attempting to get my roommate to wake me up by screaming…etc. So. I start to try to pull myself out...and it's like this cemented in feeling. You're stuck in molasses—and you can't pull yourself out from it. It LITERALLY feels like that, too.

I don't know WHY I was freaking out so much—I dont THINK I was being threatened? Maybe it was just because I KNEW I was dreaming--but maybe I knew that the dream knew that I knew I was dreaming. (CONVOLUTED SENTENCES. I HAVE THEM.) Anyways...I managed to do it.

And so I wake up to my room. It's dark…and…all three of my roommates are in there.…which…it's two people per room, normally. And they're like, "You okay, man? You were making noise and stuff." …but I know that something's wrong—because I'm only supposed to have one roommate in my room—and there are three—and three beds. And I realize…HOLY SHIT I'M IN ANOTHER DREAM.

So I try to pull myself out of that one—and it brings me into this dream about a haunted ripoff of the camp I go to, basically...

and sometime during THAT one, I realize that HOLY FUCK I'M STILL DREAMING. It kept shifting me into dreams until I ultimately forgot I was dreaming—it made me believe that I had been there before with my Grandpa when I was younger—that the place was familiar and that I really wanted to go back there sometime—but it was someplace I had never gone—someplace creepy and reminded me of a Russian fucking nuclear shelter with a projection room inside.

So.

That happened.

Which is weird.

In new news, I broke down and bought that camera (and it's sweet). I also got off Strattera and was put onto Concerta ER. We'll see how that goes.

Photography

I've been thinking about getting into photography seriously lately. Seriously enough to start looking at my funds to see if I could justify a $600 camera (if not a little more).

Posted my old paintball gun that I never used on craigslist a couple of times to see if I could soften the blow of the $600. Smart Parts Ion, incredibly tricked out...never used it more than a couple times, but I bought it off a friend who had too much gear. If you're interested, leave a comment or something.

But my financial situation COULD take the hit in the short term, as I'm not paying for my car insurance right now, but in the long run, it might not be so pretty...as in the "that's $600 I should've saved for x, y, or z."

Can I afford it? For right now, yes.
Should I do it? I don't know.
Would I enjoy it? Oh hell yes. I'd carry that thing EVERYWHERE.

Tips? Leave them in the comments.

(Yes, this is a detour from my ADHD norm, but you should expect that, given the nature.)

Fall Break Starts off Wrong

Well. I was woken up by being yelled at by a Mom who thinks she has some say in the small, minute aspects of my life that no one should care about but me.

I'm not telling her about my diagnosis OR Stratterra--as that'd be another argument I don't want to have.

Later, she catches one of our dogs under a tire by accident. I get her to stop before she runs over it completely (like she did to ANOTHER dog), and I get yelled at for THAT, too. Because it isn't the person driving the car--it's the person who didn't (re: couldn't) stop the dog from running for the tire.

Gah. Living for next Friday already.